Copper Sequins

day eleven

2011-02-17T19:08:00.002+08:00

When life forces you to make decisions you thought you would never make, you realize that anything and everything is possible. It is possible to die any second. Is is possible to lose someone forever. But why is it that it is impossible to hate someone you love? Why is it so difficult for me to forget? Hating someone you love is even harder than loving someone you hate.Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to recall someone you never met.

People ask if I am okay, but that is as if it is so easy to answer. They will not understand, never will they. They don't know what it feels like. They don't understand the pain, the loss, the feeling. Even if they say they do.

No one will ever know. But is there even anyone?

day nine

2011-02-15T20:02:00.002+08:00

Maybe, it is time to let go. To give up. To forget. To move on. Maybe it isn't winter, maybe it is ice age. I don't know, actually. I still can't bring myself to accept that I have lost the most important person in my life. I hope G is fine. G said that the only time we will cease to talk is in the event that one of us pass on. I just hope that G is fine. And that G walked out of my life, and not out of this world. But I will never know, will I?

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak, sometimes, it means that you are strong enough to let go. But how? Everything reminds me of the past. The past only makes the present painful. It seems as though I have lost the reason for existence. Living used to be for G. Now that G is gone, who am I living for? I don't even know.

Life is about trusting your feelings, taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories, learning from the past and realising people change. But what happens when you no longer trust yourself, you no longer have any more chances? What happens when you found happiness, only to lose it? What happens when the memories of the past are the things that haunt the present?

What happens when the only person who can stop your tears is the one that made you cry?
What happens, when you can't even cry?

V Day, day eight

2011-02-14T16:55:00.002+08:00

I promised I would never. But the day you broke your promise, I realised that there is no longer any reason for me to keep mine. Keeping to mine only makes everything all the more painful.

I can't help but imagine life without you last time. No matter how terrible that thought was, I would keep it to myself because somehow I know that would not happen. Apparently, one could be so wrong. Losing someone isn't all that matters, because all that is left is picking up the broken pieces. But what happens next?

When you spent the last two years of your life loving someone, you forget who you really are. You come to realise that what you have been doing have been revolving all around his world, unknowingly. When he leaves, you leave too. Only just, not with him. But alone, desolated.

Death is peaceful, easy. Life is harder.

I come to realise that only when you have been hurt so deeply, do you finally know how badly you have hurt someone else. Maybe this is called retribution. I was never kind. But he isn't coming back. Why should I? If ending the pain was as easy as just saying everything is okay, love wouldn't be that noble. Maybe true love is when all you want is for him to be truely happy, even if that means that you aren't part of it.

But who would dare to love again?

Love hurts.

2010-01-16T14:14:00.003+08:00

There are things that we do in life which we later regret. Sometimes, we regret trying so hard. Sometimes, we regret doing too much. We regret being too nice. We regret being too blunt. Sometimes, we can't help, but regret living.

There are somethings that I can't seem to understand. Why do people have emotions and feelings? Are they meant to overwhelm us? To give us a sense of direction? To be a beacon of hope? Or to dampen our sprirts? Sometimes when you cry, you think of the happy memories, and regret living through all of them. When you smile, you think about the sad things that may occur any time, and you regret smiling so happily. What if one day, God gave us the ability to be numb to every emotion. Would it comfort sadness? Would it heal a broken heart? Would it lead a lost soul home?

Sometimes, what is meant to be might never find its way home. Sometimes, the rain might fall, but the rainbow never appears. Sometimes, things happen.

2009-12-23T23:52:00.007+08:00

It is a little amazing how time passes so fast. When I was reading through the previous posts, browsing through the archives, I was surprised to actually realise that at that time, I was talking about Kim having her O levels. And now, it is I who have finished the exams. Sometimes, you get the really strong feeling of wanting to turn back time, make some changes and edit a small part. Something so small, it may not make a difference then, but would definitely impact today. But, that is "if".

Now, you really wonder what on earth is the rationale behind keeping an online diary, when you know that no one is going to even care, when you know that half of the things you are writing is fake and made up just to comfort yourself that everything is alright when everything isn't, when you are keeping a real diary and when you don;t even feel like doing anything at all.

And just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean that she didn't fall asleep crying. And even though she acts like nothing is wrong, maybe, just maybe, she is really good at lying.

But, liars have feelings too, you know.

I realised how dettached I have been from 4e6. Its like as though I disappeared for a couple of years and don't even have a clue about anything. It is strange to see that everything is moving so fast, but you're the only one slowing down. It is like you are no longer the same person you were a few months back. Its like January was decades ago. Common tests were history. Devotions were long gone. Social Studies no longer dreadful. Pigeon holes destroyed. It just seems wierd. You just cannot adhere to these changes. You rather stick to the old, mundane way of life.

2008-10-20T16:48:00.011+08:00

Okay, we have gotten back all our scripts today. Mixture of sheer shock, disappointment, relief, regret and maybe overjoyed. A Maths was a little disappointing, though an A1, but I dropped. And by quite a bit. Chemistry too, I dropped. But at least I did not fail, like how I dreamt that I would get 43/100 for the paper. But, I wished I did better, Afterall, I am only human. And being human, it is very difficult to resist the temptations of greed. I have to work on my languages. Elec was rather surprising. 31/50. Happy about it. I finally got a B for Humans, not a very good one, though.

1 month really did help. I got top in level for Bio!!! Pretty happy about it. Mr Low flashed all our marks on the projector, and everyone went like, "ahh!!!" Kind of funny to see everyone in this state of shock (: Going for the anatomy thing on 5th November, so that means that i would be able to see those dead bodies and what so ever. That would be fun, but no cameras are allowed. What a waste. I think I could have done better for Bio, to think about it. My short questions pulled me down. MCQ was 39/40 and structured was 29/30. Hmm.

2008-10-19T16:11:00.020+08:00

I just realised that life is so boring to the extent of me posting almost every other day. Kim is sitting for her Chemistry P2 tomorrow, and she says that she is nervous. Like hello? Her Chemistry is so good. Can you imagine, someone would actually love MOLE? Something like mole? My goodness, thats so gross.

Headstart is beginning soon, I think it starts on Tuesday, if I am not wrong, and, it will go on for 3 weeks. Yes, three. Then, I will have my TWO WEEKS BREAK! I am going to start sourcing for a new school bag, pencil case and wallet if I can even find them. Finished reading all my books and there is nothing left for me to do, except to reread all my stored docmuents and photos. Shall upload the photos from Claire's pary another day, probably when I have the patience to.

Okay, I shall redo this quiz.
From Aijia's blog a few months back.

SEVEN THINGS THAT SCARE ME
~~Lizards, C5s, creepy crawlies, my Maths tuition, factor/remainder theroem?~~
1. Form teachers 2. C6s 3. Acids bases salts 4. Monday devotions? (its more of dislike, not scare.)

SEVEN THINGS I LIKE THE MOST
~~My LAM FUNG/FIONA SIT/ KEVIN CHENG album, All my HKG dramas?~~
1. My bed! 2. Multilation books(: 3. Organs! 4. A1s

SEVEN IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY ROOM
~~Handphone, computer, ipod, calculator! Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, my cupboard, the mouse (as in computer mouse)~~
1. Handphone 2. IPOD! 3. Camera 4. Speakers? 5. My bed? 6. Bedroom slipper? 7. AIR CON!

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME
~~I want to be 12 years old now. I want to own a Rolls-royce. I want to punch my maths tutor. I wanted (past tense) to be the President of Singapore. I want to be me. I want to watch HP Order now.~~
1. I am obssessed with multilations and murder 2. I want to be a millionaire by 27 3. I want to own a BMW 4. I want to be a heart surgeon and do a bypass! 5. I want a Gino puppy(:

SEVEN THINGS I PLAN TO DO BEFORE I DIE
~~Become a barristor. Earn my first million dollars. Learn everything there is about Ying Zheng. Meet Raymond. Meet Fiona. Meet Sammul. Meet LOUIS KOO. Kill Umbridge.~~
1. Confess 2. Do a bypass 3. Cut a dead body 4. Meet Raymond 5. Meet Louis Koo 6. Meet Fiona 7. Sign my name with my left hend

SEVEN THINGS I CAN DO
~~Read HP over and over again for 7 times.~~
1. SLEEP!

SEVEN THINGS I CAN'T DO
~~(Tolerate my maths tutor.) X 7~~
1. Tolerate my ex Maths tutor (finally fired her) 2. Love Maths (as in I can never love Maths) 3. Sleep with the lights on 4. Clip my nails on my right hand (they always turn out uglier)

SEVEN THINGS THAT ATTRACT ME TO THE OPPOSITE SEX
~~Ok, that will have to wait.~~
1. Eyes? (Ever noticed that Bosco has really high double eyelids?)

SEVEN THINGS I SAY THE MOST
~~[I seriously don't know, as in I really don't know]~~
(Still don't know)

SEVEN CELEB CRUSHES
~~LAM FUNG, SAMMUL CHAN, LOUIS KOO! RON NG? KEVIN CHENG? GUO JING AN? ??~~
Don't have.

SEVEN PEOPLE I WANT TO SEE TAKING THIS QUIZ
~~You!~~
Still you.

Ok, another one, from someone's blog (I forgot who).
What's in your wallet?
Ez link card, Learning Lab card, photocopy card, key, dollar notes, coins, pins, oil blotters, receipts, bus tickets, passport photo, "Connected" movie ticket, plaster
What's under your bed...?
Micro-organisms
What's on that way top shelf or in the very far back of your closet?
Swimming flippers and googles
What's in your underware drawer?
Don't have one.
What's in the trunk of your car?
Don't own one.
What's in your desk or locker?
Bio notes (half completed and completed), Bio file, Bio tys, Physics pass year papers, 3 Chinese books, calendar, Ipod (that is currently charging), watch, handphone charger, camera, a photocopy of Bio textbook chapter 7.
Do you have a super-secret hiding place and what's in it?
No.
Do you feel guilty about something right now, if yes what?
Not studying hard enough for Chemistry.
What is the most embarassing thing in your room right now?
My messy pile of books which I clearly cannot be bothered to clear after EOYs
Have you done something recently you hope no one finds out about?
Yes.
What is your last thought before you fall asleep?
How badly I would have done in Chem and A Maths, and if I could get 85 for Bio.
How long have those leftovers been in the fridge?
No leftovers. There is only juice, milk and cold water AND CHOCOLATE.
If I confiscated your computer and took a look around....what would I find?
Photos, more photos, documents, songs. Typical computer, nothing special.
Do you sleep with anything?
3 pillows, comforter, handphone, ipod.
What is your midnight snack weakness?
Nothing.
Have you ever you shop lifted?
No.
Have you ever vandalized anything?
No
Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
No?
What do you wait until no one is looking to do?
Nothing
Have you told the truth in this survey?
No.
Send This To Five People Within the Next Hour Or All Your Deepest and Darkest Secrets'll Be Revealed to Everyone:
Ok, you?

2008-10-18T15:53:00.005+08:00

We got back some of the results yesterday. I failed English, again. It happens all the time, is like I never improve and I don't know why. Physics' grades came by a suprise. So did Social Studies. E Maths, on the other hand, was rather expected, probably a little disappointed, after finding careless mistakes. Chinese was pathetic. I failed the paper. Whats up with my languages? I must well just don't talk for the rest of my life and be mute. Like what Miss Ng always says, "Are your mute?" I just wish to say yes.

Stayed in school till 5 PM on Friday to complete some Bio notes. I stopped at Biuret's test. You know what? Some people call is "Bye-you-rat". I always thought it had the same pronunciation as burette, as in, "Bill-rat".

I just finished watching the last episode of Fathers and Sons, rather abrupt ending but it was a good show overall. Currently rewatching Au Revior Shanghai. May be borrowing The Four pretty soon, probably after Kim's Os. I am having a terrible nose block and consistent sneezing that never seems to go away, it must be the rain. Atrocities of life.

I suddenly feel like keeping a puppy Gino (:

2008-10-16T21:22:00.005+08:00

I finally finished reading Gravity. Great book, it speaks of how politically corrupted we are and how human beings sacrifice innocent lives for the sake of keeping a reputation.

Thanksgiving ended at about 2PM today, thereafter I wandered round the school for like 10 minutes? It gets pretty boring when life comes to a halt. Then, I saw Shobana. She is like staying in school almost every day until seven in the evening. Spent most of the time talking and talking, while waiting for the rain to get gentle. It never did! So, I decided to continue with my Bio notes. I stopped at unsaturated and saturated fats. It was God damn tiring, my eyelids were like almost closing shut. Fell asleep for about 30 minutes and when I woke up, I realised it was already 6PM. Time just passes so fast, you can hardly spare a second to breathe.

We would be getting back our scripts tomorrow. But they won't come as a surprise, I am pretty sure. I am expecting to do badly for most of the subjects. But this is life. Its full of ups and downs. Only that the ups are in later part of life. Probably so late that you end up commiting suicide before it comes.

2008-10-15T11:00:00.020+08:00

At last! Today marks the last day of our post exams activities. They were so dry and irrelevant. Tomorrow would be Kim's O levels practicals. Thats so cool! I started scaring her by telling her about the Chinese leek and the cortex what so ever. I think I freaked her out. She shall have sleepless nights. HAHA! We collected our class pull over this afternoon, the shade of green was rather appealing.
I was seriously, deadly, really bored, so I decided to take time off and do a quiz!

From Shumian's blog (:

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 Tag 5 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. Do you have secrets?
If I wrote a lists of secrets, I think it would be even thicker than the seventh Harry Potter book.

2. Would you fall in love with a boy younger than you?
I doubt so. Maybe 10%? Ha, but I really doubt so.

3. What animal do you like the most?
Actually I don't really like animals, just with the exception of Gino and Paris.
They are just too cute to hate (I shall post some of their pictures one day).

4. Are you secretly loving somebody/ have a stead?
YES!I am secretly in love with someone I know I am not suppose to.
But all's fair in love and war.

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
No, thats retarded.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
I shall sit on the fence this time. Loving someone is painful sometimes, okay. And, being loved by someone isn't very nice, especially when you hate that person. So, it really depends.

ORIGINAL QUESTION 7: List out your 15 favourite songs
(I can't decide. There is too many. But one thing for sure is that they would all be from HKG artises.)
THE CHANGED QUESTION 7: Do you think you and the person you are loving secretly will have a fairytale ending?
Obviously not. Just as much as I would love it to, it is almost impossible. And besides, there is no such thing as a fairytale ending. And the only reason why I am changing to this question is just to tell myself to get on with life and MOVE ON. Find a greener pasture.
*He is the greenest(:*
(I still seem to be unable to, what so ever.)

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Love him even more. (See! Thats why I can't move on.)

9. Is there anything that has made you extremely happy?
There are a handful.
(i) Getting an A1
(ii) Loving him even more
(iii) Making a wish? (Hey! I seldom wish upon a meteor star.)
(iv) I don't know, I guess my world only revolves around school(: and home.

10. What takes you down the fastest?
HIM!

11. How would you see yourself in 10 years time?
By then I would be 25! Okay, I better be studying in some faraway land. (I want to be a heart surgeon and do a bypass!) I think I would be in some four-seasoned country, so, I would be embracing my entire collection of trenchcoats and jackets and boots and scarves(: Ice!

12. Who is currently the most important people to you?
ME.

13. What is the most important thing in life?
There isn't most in this world. (Not in any order)
(a) MONEY.
(b) Family(:
(c) Carreer!
(d) My future spouse?
(e) NO KIDS. (I tell you, I hate them. Their stupid voices are irritating and their screams for milk and food is disruptive. One day I shall dig out their eyeballs and pour acid on their larynx. Peel off the skin on their faces and slice their lips with a penknife. Then, I will stuff their puny hand in the blender and chew off their digusting fingers, allowing them to dangle flimsily on a flab of dead skin. Blood shall be spilt.)

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
Single and rich. Money can buy anything and everything.

15. What is your favourite colour?
Black. White. Red. Purple. Hmm.

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
Probably yes(:

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
There would only be one. The other is just mere infatuations. (And besides, how am I going to pick if there is only one in the first place?)
ONLY ONE, ALWAYS ONE.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing the someone has done?
Forgive and forget. Thats challenging, but I will try. And I think I will. I better.

19. What do you want to tell the someone you like?
Bye bye. (Saying "bye bye" is a split second of bittersweetness, then on, it would only be misery.)

20. 5 people I have tagged:
(a) to (e) You

Some more questions

1. You are walking to your boy/girlfriend's house. There are two roads to get there. One is a straight path to take you there quickly, but is very plain and boring. The other is significantly longer but is full of wonderful sights and interesting things. Which one do you take to get to your significant other's house, short or long?
my answer: The longer route. The trip would be better with rain and sunshine, maybe with a cloud or two.

2. On the way you see 2 rose bushes, One is full of red roses, the other full of white. You decide to pick 20 roses for your boy/girlfriend, of any color combination. What number of white and red do you pick? (you can pick all of one or any combination of the two)
myanswer: I would pick 20 red roses. I thought white roses were for dead people?

3. You finally get to the house. A family member answers the doors. You can have them get your boy/girlfriend or go get them yourself. Which do you do?
myanswer: I would get him myself.

4. You go up to your boy/girlfriend's room, but nobody is there. You decide to leave the roses. Do you leave them by the windowsill or on the bed?
myanswer: Windowsill = More light = more chlorophyll = higher rate of photosynthesis = longer rose life. This sounds so Bio. But, bed would be better, right?

5. Later, it's time for bed, You and your boy/girlfriend go to sleep in separate rooms. In the morning when it's time to wake up you go in his/her room and check on him/her. When you arrive, is he/she awake or asleep?
myanswer: Asleep. Maybe he would be dreaming of a milky sky filled with stars that twinkle with a crecsent moon.

6. Now it's time to go back home. Do you take the short, plain road or the longer, more interesting road?
myanswer: The longer road.

DONE?

ANSWERS!

The road represents your attitude towards falling in love. If you take the short road, you fall in love quickly and easily. If you take the long road, you take your time and do not fall in love as easily.

The number of red roses represents how much you give in a relationship, while the number of white represents what you expect in return. For example, if you chose 18 red and 2 white, you give 90 and expect 10 return.

This question represents your attitude towards handling relationship problems. If you asked the family member to get your significant other, then you like to avoid problems and hope that they will solve themselves. If you went to get them yourself, then you are a more direct person and like to work out problems immediately.

The placement of roses determines how much you like to see your boy/girlfriend. Placing them on the bed means you like to see them a lot, while placing them on the windowsill means that you are alright with not seeing them as much.

This representative of your attitude towards their personality. If you find him/her asleep, you love your boy/girlfriend the way he/she is. If you find him/her awake, you expect him/her to change for you.

The road to home tells how long you stay in love with someone. If you chose the short road, you fall out of love easily. If you chose the longer one, you will tend to stay in love for a long time.

2008-10-08T15:20:00.003+08:00

Today was our last paper! A Maths paper one. I think it was rather manageable, as compared to the paper two. AND, the most difficult paper is still Chemistry. Okay, I shall stop talking about exams. Today was our last paper, everyone was so happy, and so eager to go home, I wonder why I wasn't.

Stayed in the library with Shobana until 1.40, I did nothing, besides reading a book on dinosaurs. Then, when I was like half my journey to the bus stop, I realised that I had no coins with me (I think I lost my ez link), so I had to walk all the way back to school to change for coins. How retarded. While walking back to the bus stop, I saw Mr Low going home. You know what? Teachers have to stay in school until 2pm then only can they go home (during exam periods), thats so torturing!

I have nothing to do now, I shall eat now.
Following Kim to Secret Recipe now, I tell you, the food is so tempting.
NEW YORK CHEESE CAKE (:

2008-09-05T23:20:00.004+08:00

We have found Linda's album(:
Ripped it into my computer and my poddie.
Today was so tiring. I was hopping all over the world to find Kim's phone. And I was in heels/:
We went to almost all the handphone shops in Vivo, then we went to Great World. Kim took like 30 minutes to choose a phone, and another 1 hour to get all the paperwork done.

Before the handphone episode, I went back to school to study. And the weather was so freaking hot. I was doing work at the handphone zone and it was so noisy. Those sec ones are so buzzy (whatever you call it). Then I cabbed to Queenstown library. My goodness, it was freezing cold there, okay, it may be because of the milkshake. But I only spent 4 hours before I took triple one home.

Rewatched episode 10 of Devil's Disciple, pretty cool.
Kim got an E66, a slide phone. It looks new (like, obviously), but I still prefer mine.
Mine is the BEST!

2008-09-03T18:54:00.013+08:00

Okay, I shall spend only 5 minutes doing this while I wait for my tutor to come.
Monday was so sore. I spent 4 hours sitting on the chair for my dear hair. Gosh.
Today I had tuition at 1100, then I am having one more at 1900. Sometimes I wonder why I am not called superwoman. I will die one day. Actually, everyone too. Went to Queenstown library with Kim and her friend to study. I saw Aiia there. Kim did Lit the entire time there (they and their Peter) and I was writing respiration notes. I realised that I had my concepts all wrong. AND, there would be a "pop quiz" (whatever you call it) after the one week break. Bless me.

My hair is so flat, my goodness. My hair is even flatter then Yue So Tsau in the first few episodes. Oh no, and it is so thin now. Fat pear went to layer it so much /: I don't know if it is good or bad. Fat pear looks ridiculous now, her hair is like burnt charcoal. When she ties it up, it looks like a square. Kim and I kept laughing at how we could apply Pythagora's Theorem. We should rename her Fairpear. I swear she is so fat, a big blubber of fats. My goodness.

I am going to wake up early in the morning (like 0500) to study. I swear I will wake up. Then, I shall go to school and study. YES! Go to school. But then I will have to go back to Queenstown library for some library thing.

It pouring, maybe I should pour out too.
Now, for some personal stuff.

其實我都唔知點解，喺佢面前，我下意識地會掩飾我自己心入面諗既嘢，可能係因為我始終唔肯定係咪真係鍾意佢！但係我怕如果講太多之後会不知幾後悔，冇辦法！我把口就話好忙，但係又偷偷地等佢，期望到佢会講一声hello，但係佢冇！做女仔唔可以主動呀！但係我知道幸福係要自己爭取既！祝福我呀！

2008-08-29T14:02:00.011+08:00

Today was teacher's day! We spent 30 minutes doing the ridiculous ACES day workout, and I did it in my CCA skirt. A skirt. Then it was kinball. Kinball was fun! Miss Ng, Ms Soroma and Mr Low competed. They were all so cute. Mr Low and Miss Ng looked like some small kid, how hilarious.

Melody: "Miss Ng your hair very messy."
Miss Ng: "Huh, really ah?!"

*touches her hair and smiles*

Melody is obssessed over neat hair. Miss Ng's hair wasn't even close to messy. Oh, the hoodies came, they were adorable. The front was "CAUTION CLASSROOM AHEAD". I think the color was navy blue, if I am not wrong.

The performance was so pathetic. It was by the sec ones. How retarded. Last year's performance was way better. We got back our report card. I failed Humanities. What I am going to do? A pathetic and borderline D7.

We ate cake! Will upload the photos some other time, when I am free.

Cabbed to New Town and reached at 1130, but the teachers were half gone, attending some function. Wasted trip. Went to Clementi with Aijia for 10 minutes then I went back to St. Marg's again. Just to collect my Chemistry tys. From Clementi to Farrer just for a tys. I can't believe I actually did that.

But it was worthed it. I had to bring my book back to study, and besides, I saw ___* on my way back. Didn't expect to see ___, especially when it was 2 hours after the celebrations. I only smiled a goodbye.

Taxis never come when you want them.

When it comes, the other disappears.

How can you ever get both to travel at the same speed?

*Names were changed to protect their identity, and my privacy.

2008-08-25T19:31:00.003+08:00

Amplitude

Just five minutes to blog about today, while I wait for my hair to dry.
Elites was cancelled today, hooray. Went to Island with Cassandra and Shumain. I am so broke now, after paying 8 bucks for their double scoops. I bet that I woulf fail Physics like shit, but then I ended up passing. The one I got 29/40 for. Miracle, right?

We received our A Maths paper back, on linear law and coordinate geometry. 29/30. How disappointing. History was way way more horrible. Lets don't talk about it, it makes me boil. I am not planing to do Chinese compo yet, I seriously have no time, probably I shall wait till Wednesday, or so. It depends.

Ok, its not five minutes yet, probab;y just two, but I will start work now.

MUGGING IS GOOD FOR ME (:

2008-08-23T13:25:00.004+08:00

Inspiration

I shall spend 5 minutes talking about last week.
We got back most of our tests during the first half of the week. Physics came much of a surprise. I did thought that it would be another failure, but I miraculously passed with a 29/40. I guess I was lucky. Bio was rather unexpected too, 28/35. It was better done that Physics (it better be).

We were however, loaded with homework. But its okay, I guess I would just mug harder. We have decided in making a class hoodie. I think it would be green. Well, thats great because I do not have a class shirt for sec one and two. How pathetic.

Will be going to Shumian's to bake cookies on Wednesday. We are yet to decide on the packaging. We may be meeting up tomorrow to stock up ingredients and so. I don't know if I would be going back to New Town, Aijia said she would get back to me on Monday. But then, if she isn't going back, then I shall not, maybe back to RGPS, yeah?

Can you iagine, Beverly who has been failing English like anything actually got distinction in the NSW Writing. What a joke. I am currently multitasking, doing Physics tys at the same time. I realised that I have forgot mctheter and ml. I just realised that I have left my notes in my file, which is in school. How am I suppose to complete the tys? I wonder how I would pass my next test. Oh, we would also be getting back to report on Monday. Fun.

Just bought percy and his pals. Guess what? They had a new edition - penny!
But it is tangerine I think, and I am not exactly a huge fan of tangerine.

Chemistry practicals were a little horrible, I could not decipher what color it was. Great.

Okay, 5 minutes is over, time to mug.

5 weeks to EOYs (I think).

2008-08-16T20:30:00.002+08:00

Potassium Iodide. Potassium Dichromate (VI).

Friday
Nothing much happened, I just screwed Chemistry practicals, got really confused with the oxidising agents and reducing agents. That was pretty pathetic. No one said much about how we did for the Bio ans Physics test.

Today
I screwed oral. My goodness. The passage had 3 words I couldn't pronounce. And those words kept reappearing. Bless me. The conversation was so strange and wierd. Perfect. Went to Bukit Panjang Plaza to buy icing, but there wasn't any. A wasted trip. Ate Amici for dinner. Feeling really bloated now.

Time to mug.
6 weeks to EOYs.

2008-08-10T18:39:00.002+08:00

Uncertainty breeds fear. Fear breeds uncertainty.

Friday
Today is National Day celebrations. We were dismissed at 1030, actually I wanted to go back to NT, but apparently no one bothered to. Besides that, I was rushing for THE INTERVIEW.

I had to get daddy to fetch me to Biopolis as it was way way way too complicating to get there on foot. Left the house at 1330 and reached The Nanos earlier than stipulated. When I reached level 9, I saw Sheryl. Thank god I wasn't alone. After interview, we walked aroung the vicinity and ate our lunch. The ICE STRWBERRY STEAM MILK was so good.

Saturday
I watched The Mummy with Kim at Vivo. GOSH. They filmed Ying Zheng in such a bad light. They twisted history. How could they? If Ying Zheng was still alive...

Sunday
Nothing much.

/:

2008-07-29T18:29:00.006+08:00

Stem-cells.
Thursday
CIP! Went to Toa Payoh and helped some elderlies clean up their houses. Gosh, it was so dirty. Will upload photos another day. Ate an entire bar of chocolate. How sinful. Physics test was horrifying. I almost died.

Friday
Today is Speech Day. Bio test was so screwed. The questions I did on tys reappeared, apparently, I forgotten how to do them. What a waste. I screwed the last question. Mostly everyone will make their way home, when it is 1030. Apparently, I must stay till 1830. We had rehersal until 1148- rehersal was such a waste of time.

I walked to the fourth step.
1/2 a metre.
Hear my full name.
Walk to Mr Low.
Say,"Hello Mr Low".
Shake his hand.
Say, "Thank you Mr Low".
Release hand.
Walk 1/2 metre.
Bow.
Walk down steps.
Return envelope.
Walk back to seat.

Xiao Jun and I decided to walk around PS. We spent 3 to 4 hours there, then we took 174 back to school. Mundane. Took a few pictures, but will post next time (: Went to Secret Recipe for dinner. Sleep.

Today
What can I say? History test was strange. We did an extrememly fascinating Physics SPA today, we played with stearic acid. You should have seen it. When it solidified. How amazing. THEN, WET BLANKET.

MR LOW SAID THAT THE TEST WASN'T WELL DONE. There are failures. Yes, failures. I still can't believe that I am so dumb. Can you inagine, I wrote this,

"It will rekindle the splinter, thus, the gas produced in photosynthesis is carbon dioxide."

BEVERLY! Why are you so careless?
Last page. Last question. Last sentence.

2008-07-18T18:33:00.003+08:00

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words wll never hurt me.

I am so fed up with the school system that I have to vent it on the keyboards or I may end up killing someone. I don't see the rationale of changing teachers, especially in the middle of the year (like now, in July), and worse still, changing to a contract teacher. God knows how much I abhore those contract teachers. I shall not touch on their horrible teaching skills if not I may even end up publishing a 783 page long handbook. And even if the school just smply cannot live without these contract teachers, can't they pass it on to the sec ones? Don't the school know that the upper sec needs more experienced teachers for themselves and that the contract teachers should just settle for the sec ones and twos Can't they understand this simple reasoning? Why is MOE sending so many contract teachers now in July? Shouldn't it be done in January?

This is so frustrating and I shall stop dwelling on it. Like its possible.

Joy.

2008-06-29T16:19:00.004+08:00

The biggest liars are those who tell you the truth.

If you realised that life would be better if you did not continue it, what would you do? Wish for a wishing star? Pray for a time machine? Kill for another life?

I always knew happy endings are stories incompleted, I guess it is true, after all, no one really wants a fairytale ending, do they? Is it because it never happens, or is it because they don't want to know that their last chapter is approahing.

When the time comes, it comes. When it goes, it will be gone. And when it is gone, there isn't a point chasing it back. You'll just end up losing yourself along the way.

Life isn't always that unpredictable.

2008-06-18T13:59:00.002+08:00

Happy endings are stories incomplete.

I shall be posting my last post for the next 3 to 4 months. It has been a while since I have touched my pen, for obvious reasons. So, I plan to start picking it up again. And put some down. I still have my Maths homework not done yet, but I can't simply bring myself to even read them. That long string of numbers and a timer which I supposed has been adjusted in such a way that their 10 seconds is equivalent to our 5 seconds. Oh well, life is unfair.

I still have so many blanks in my Bio workbook, but I swear I don't know hpw to do them. That stupid transport chapter. Thank God I completed the TYS everytime before a test, if not. I will seriously rot. We finally completed out Physics Authentiv Leaning! 1130 to 1530. Four hours, not much though. I want to read up more on the String Theory. That is the only thing on Earth that allows me to continue learning Physics, if I am even understanding it.

My handphone is seriously nuts. Even after I charged it for 24 hours, I still get one bar, along with a "Battery Low" sign. I just bought this phone in January and now it is giving me problems ):

Chinese is dreadful. I still have not started on Kite Runner ans that Chinese book. They seem too boring for me. I rather read my murder books. (:

BYE.

2008-06-07T10:49:00.005+08:00

When success is just a difference of 0.1, one begins to understand failure better.

"The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. "

"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. "

2008-06-06T17:00:00.003+08:00

Those who corrupt truth are corrupted themselves.

Society's critical eye is watching. Women in today's world are often expected to be svelte and beautiful, reagardless of age and lifestyle. As a teenager, among schoolmates who lament about theur weight, confronted by the numerous slimming advertisements in the media, I feel the injustice of the challenges that women of today face in having to conform to the expectations of society. Yet, I am helplessly swept along with what everyone else does and thinks.

Apart from beauty, woman today carry the additional burden of having to manage roles at home, work and in the community, juggling professional demands with expectations to the "Super Mums" and "Super Wives". Even in this day and age, marriage for women is deemed more socially acceptable than a lifetime of independent singlehood. Although there has been an increae in women's rights and the standard of living for women in Singapore is generally competent, our society is still mainly male-dominated, underpinned by Confucianist ideology. Most men are still regarded as the head of the household, with women only the supplementary wage earners. In the working world, the balance also tilts in favour of the men, with 75 females for every 100 males entering tertiary institutions and a quota of 33 per cent of female entrance into medical school. Although I am not yet a women who has to face these professional and domestic pressures, I am troubled by their existence and upset that behind the facdae of a professional society, women are still viewed as inferior to men.

2008-06-04T09:39:00.005+08:00

When death is just inches away, would you give in?

1. "Murderer," a man shouted. "God help patients who get you for a nurse."

2. "What gives you the right to play God?" another one asked.

3. It was the Phil Donahue show where the guest is a fatted calf and the audience a 200- strong flock of vultures hungering to pick up the bones. I had told them about Mac, one of my favourite cancer patients. "We resuscitated him 52 times in just one month. I refused to resuscitate him again. I simply sat there an held his hand while he died."

4. There wasn't time to explain that Mac was a young, witty, macho cop who walked into the hospital with 32 pounds of attack equipment, looking as if he could single-handedly protect the whole city, if not the entire state. "Can't get rid of this cough," he sad.Otherwise, he felt great.

5. Before the day was over, tests confirmed that he had lung cancer. And before the year was over, I loved him, his wife, Maura, and their three kids as if they were my own. All the nurses loved him. And we all battled his disease for six months without ever giving death a thought. Six months isn't such a long time in the whole scheme of things, but it was long enough to see him lose his youth, his wit, his macho, his hair, his bowel and bladder control, his sense of taste and smell, and his ability to do the slightest thing for himself. It was also long enough to watch Maura's transformation from a young woman into a haggard, beaten old lady.

6. When Mac had wasted away to a 60- pound skeleton kept him alive by liquid food we poured down a tube, IV solutions we dripped into his veins, and oxygen we piped to a mask on his face, he begged us: "Mercy...for God's sake, please just let me go."

7. The first time he stopped breathing, the nurse pushed the button that calls a "code blue" throughout the hospital and sends a team rushing to resuscitate the patient. Each time he stopped bretahing, sometimes two or three times in one day, the code team came again. The doctors and technicians walked their miracles and walked away. The nurses stayed to wipe saliva that drooled from his mouth, irrigate the ig craters of bedsores that covered his hips, suction the lung fluids that threatened to drown him, clean the faeces that burned his skin like lye, pour the liquid food down the tube attached to his stomach, put pillows between his knees to ease the bone-on-bone pain, turn him every hour to keep the bedsores from getting worse, and changed his gown and linen every two hours to keep him from being soaked in perspiration.

8. At night I went home and tried to scrub away the smell of decaying flesh that seemed woven into the fabrics of my uniform. It was in my hair, the upholstery of my car - there was no washing it away. And every night I prayed tahat his agonised eyes would neber again plead with me to let him die.

9. Every morning, I asked the doctor for a "no code" order. Without that order, we had to resuscitate every patient who stopped breathing. His doctor was one of the several who believe we must extend life as long as we have the means and knowledge to do it. To not do it is to be liable for negligence, at least in the eyes of many people, including some nurses. I thought about what it would be like to stand before a judge, accused of murder, if Mac stopped breathing and I didn't call a code.

10. And after the 52nd code, when Mac was still lucid enough to beg for death again, and Maura was crumbled in my arms again, and when no amount of pain medication stilled his oaning and agony, I wondered about a spiritual judge. Was all this misery and suffering supposed to be building characyer or infusing us with all the sense of humility that comes from impotence?

11. Had we, the whole medical community, become so arrogant that we believed in the illusion of salvation through service? Had we bcome so self-righteous that we thought meddling in God's work was our duty, our moral imperative, and our legal obligation? Did we really believe that we had the right to force "life" on suffering man who had begged for the right to die?

12. Such questions haunted me more than ever early one morning when Maura went home to change her clothes ans I was bathing Mac. He had been still for so long, I thought he had at last had the blessed relief of coma. Then he opened his eyes ans moaned, "Pain... no more... Babara... do something... God, let me go."

13. The desperation in the eyes and voice riddled me with guilt. "I'll stop," I told him as I injected the pain medication.

14. I sat on the bed abd held Mac's hands in mine. He pressed his bony fingers against my hand and muttered, " Thanks." Then there was the one soft sigh and I felt his hand go cold in mine, "Mac?" I whispered, as I waited for his chest to rise and fall again.

15. A clutch of panic banded my chest, drew my finger to the code button, urged me to do something, anything... but stit there alone with death. I kept one finger ont eh button eithout pressing it, as a waxen pallor slowly transformed his faced from person to empty shell. Nothing I've ever done in my 47 years has taken so much effort as it took not to press the code button.

16. Eventually, when I was as sure as I could be that the code team would fail to bring him back, I entered the legal twilight some and pushed the button. The team tried. And while they were trying, Maura walked into the room and shrieked, "No... don't let them do this to him... for God's sake... please, no more."

17.Cradling her in my arms was like cradling myself, Mac, and all those patients and nurses who had been in this placed before who do the best they can in a death-denying society.

18. So a TV audience accused me of murder. Perhaps I am guilty. If a doctor has written a no-code order, which is the only legal alternative, would he have felt any less guilty? Until here is legislation making it criminal act to code a patient who has requested the right to die, we will all of is risk the dame fate as Mac. For whatever reason, we developed the means to prolong life, and now we are forced to use it. We do not have the right to die.

A Crime of Compassion by Barbara Huttman
Barbara Huttman (b. 1935) holds two degrees in nursing and has practised for more than 30 years. She has written a number of articles on the ethical dilemmas faced by medical professionals. In 1982, she publised Code Blue: A Nurse's True Life Story.

"A Crime of Compassion" was first publised in Newsweek in 1983. Whe she told the story that year on the Phil Donahue show, she was called a murderer by some members of the public.

Why is euthanasia illegal when abortion is legalised?

2008-06-03T13:33:00.015+08:00

Saviors and foes, who is the enemy?

If angels existed, so do demons. If saviors existed, so do foes.

Student Grapples With Life In London
Adapted from TODAY, XTRA HOMESICK
By Charles Tan.

Half a year has passed since I left Singapore for London, and though I hate to admit it, I must confess to a slight tinge of homesickness creeping up on me.

Although, to be honest, it's not quite for the reasons I'm sure you have in mind. Ever the emotionally-obtuse pragmatist, my yearning is more the result of a general frustration with my host city than it is the product of some romanticised notion of nationalism.
...
Our system, however, is far from flawless. The lack of institutions like social secrutiy, universal healthcare and empowered unionisation serves to widen the income gap between the white-collared and the blue-collared denizes of our country.
...
What results is a distinct societal lower-class that is trapped in a vicious cycle of poverty
...
However, I find it unfortunate that past developments hint at signs of an increasingly authoritatrian government.
...
I could continue griping about our diminishing freedoms, but alas, I am resigned to the fact that in Singapore, some things never change - just like the election results.

I particularly loved the last paragraph, if you ever grab a copy of that article, READ IT. Its more than worth it. Read the entire satire if you have the time to spare here. If you enjoyed the above article, you may want to consider reading this article. It MAY change your mindset, afterall, it is propaganda, right? In contraversial, you may want to glance through this article on more than ugly Singaporeans.

I stumbled upon an article with regards to euthanasia that which I will post tomorrow. I decided to post a poem instead that may spur up some reflections. Read it. And REFLECT, should anything come to you.

The Early Purges by Seamus Heaney

I was six when I first saw kittens drown.
Dan Taggart pitched them, 'the scraggy wee shits',
Into a bucket; a frail metal sound,

Soft paws scraping like mad.
But their tiny din
Was soon soused. They were slung on the snout
Of the pump and the water pumped in.'

Sure, isn't it better for them now?' Dan said.
Like wet gloves they bobbed and shone till he sluiced
Them out on the dunghill, glossy and dead.

Suddenly frightened, for days I sadly hung
Round the yard, watching the three sogged remains
Turn mealy and crisp as old summer dung

Until I forgot them. But the fear came back
When Dan trapped big rats, snared rabbits, shot crows
Or, with a sickening tug, pulled old hens' necks.
Still, living displaces false sentiments

And now, when shrill pups are prodded to drown
I just shrug, 'Bloody pups'. It makes sense:

'Prevention of cruelty' talk cuts ice in town
Where they consider death unnatural
But on well-run farms pests have to be kept down.

2008-06-01T20:17:00.008+08:00

Fiction is what reality obscure

Without status and power, you're at mercy of others. Life will be as worthless and insignificant as an ant. Even at death, you will just be a nameless corspe.

When pets are sad, they turn to people. When people are sad, they turn to diaries. When corpes are sad, who do they turn to? I forgot, corpse are dead, they have no feelings. No one cares for them. But don't you think the dead deserves the most attention. Ignore me if your think I sound wierd here.

TOKYO - A homeless woman who sneaked into a man's house and lived undetected in his closet for a year was arrested in Japan after he became suspicious when food mysteriously began disappearing.
Obtained here

If you concentrate really hard enough, you might just end up holding your breath.

2008-05-30T19:37:00.004+08:00

"Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon, we must all face the choice between what is right, and what is easy."

The recent disiasters had brought about much thoughts.
It tells us about how fragile life is, on moment you might be alive, and the next, dead.
You may pity the little kids in China who became orphanages with a snap of the fingers. Or maybe pity the villages whose crops were all destroyed by the cyclone that hit Myanmar.
Whatever it is, there is always a cynical side of it.

'And then all this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and I thought, is that karma - when you're not nice that the bad things happen to you?' was Stone's inappropriate remark. Sharon Stone, a Hollywood star claimed that the earthquake that hit Sichuan on May the 12th was due to bad karma for its handling of Tibet.

The official death toll from the quake is 68,858 and is sure to rise with 18,618 missing. Aftershocks have toppled 420,000 houses, most already uninhabitable, and there is worry that landslide-blocked rivers could bring more havoc. There were about 1,000 "unclaimed children" in Sichuan as of Wednesday, down from more than 8,000 immediately after the earthquake.

WOW. The wonders of nature.

Okay, "wonders" is not the appropriate word to use here. But at least it brings across the message. Is the earthquake God's way of reducing the population in China? Is the cyclone God's means of showing the world the efficiency of a government system?

Read this.
Myanmar's ruling junta lashed out at foreign aid donors Friday, saying cyclone victims did not need supplies of "chocolate bars" and could instead survive by eating frogs and fish.
Obtained from: http://sg.news.yahoo.com/afp/20080530/tap-myanmar-cyclone-2a5be5e.html

No, it isn't shocking. This is just the plain truth.

2008-05-28T14:59:00.005+08:00

"Can you really see evil when you look into someone's eyes?"

Daddy asked me this question yesterday. And I felt so stupid.
"Which is heavier, 1 kg of metal or 1 kg of cotton?"
Well, I said, "Metal." (with that obviously-i-am-correct tone).
THEN, he was like, "HUH?! They are same!"
And it took me a while to get it.

Its the third day of the June holiday, excluding the weekends. And I think I have fossilized, like Godzilla. I am watching Narnia Prince Caspian online now (: But, it isn't loading too well, and it is a little static, as though little tiny monsters overtook the screen. OMG, in the starting, one retarded women started screaming like as though she was in labour. I thought I loaded the wrong movie, and I click that red "X" button. Great, I have to reload it, and God knows how long that takes.

I finally bought "Harvest"! More like I finally found it. I realised that I have spent over $200 on books in 1 month. Lets do the breakdown.

Harvest: $19.10
Life Support: $18.19
Bloodstream: $18.19
Gravity: $18.19
The Surgeon: $17.51
The Apprentice: 18.19
The Sinner: $17.51
Body Double: $17.51
Vanish: $18.19
The Mephisto Club: $18.19
The Bone Garden: $29.96
Total: $210.73

I personally feel that her best book is "Life Support"! But, I have not read "The Bone Garden", "Harvest", "Bloodstream" and "Gravity". Well, I've got itchy fingers, I just can't resist the temptations to buy a book everytime I walk into Kino or Borders.

2008-05-23T15:39:00.009+08:00

If you had nothing to say, why not just shut up.

Making mountains out of molehill will only leave you with a pile of mud.

But then again, you are mud.

The Vitruvian Man

According to Leonardo's notes in the accompanying text, written in mirror writing, it was made as a study of the proportions of the (male) human body as described in a treatise by the Ancient Roman architect Vitruvius, who wrote that in the human body:

a palm is the width of four fingers
a foot is the width of four palms
a cubit is the width of six palms
a man's height is four cubits (and thus 24 palms)
a pace is four cubits
the length of a man's outspread arms is equal to his height
the distance from the hairline to the bottom of the chin is one-tenth of a man's height
the distance from the top of the head to the bottom of the chin is one-eighth of a man's height
the maximum width of the shoulders is a quarter of a man's height
the distance from the elbow to the tip of the hand is one-fifth of a man's height
the distance from the elbow to the armpit is one-eighth of a man's height
the length of the hand is one-tenth of a man's height
the distance from the bottom of the chin to the nose is one-third of the length of the head
the distance from the hairline to the eyebrows is one-third of the length of the face
the length of the ear is one-third of the length of the face

We got back our progress report yesterday. The strange thing is that if you compare the tone of how Ms Ng sounded when she said that the remarks column laid in her hands to the remarks I received, they were a little too exaggerating. Well, everyone exaggerates. It was sports day today. Apparently, my school discipline got all fed up when the four houses decided to end of together. In my point of view, I don't see the great amount of harm it will bring to us (to the extent that those poor runners had to tolerate the meaningless scoldings they received). Well, lets face it, the sun was up, everyone was restless. The teachers just needed to scold someone. And, this popped. And it burst.

THANK GOD that Ms Ng is in the rural parts of Chiang Rai. And Mr Low is in Japan. If not. But then again, Lynette and Katherine are exco, so maybe the school board will go harsh. Nevertheless, I stil think that it is unreasonable to make such a huge fuss and blow up the matter.

Speaking of blowing up the matter, I really feel like slapping some people's face. If I didn't bothered cheer, do you think that I would be sitting in that hot sun? She thinks that mere words that come out from her mouth like verbal diarrhoea will affect someone or something. If thats it, she needs a reality check. Michelle was the innocent victim. Wherever I go, there is bound to be an innocent victim, when she is around.

Life is unfair.

2008-03-29T23:25:00.002+08:00

I am finally updating. Yes, I know. But probably not anymore. I have got no time to use the computer, let alone blog. This shall be my last post until the June holidays.

Yesterday was Science Day! My station was the Cartesian Diver. I personally felt that the secondary ones were very childish and were in bad terms with one another for some ridiculous reasons. Well, I guess they need some attitude adjustments. Mr Quek showed us a story using the diver. Oh my god, its was so amazing, you should have seen it. HAHA! But it was pretty exhausting- we had to carry pails up and down the labs. Sceince day ended at about 1745? and I had to cab to STC for Kim's PTC. Mum and Dad reached there just three seconds befor me. We went to consult her form teacher and she was the most irritating teacher I have ever come across in my entire 14 years of living. Even Kim hates her too.

Oh well, I shall not mention names.

2007-06-15T09:19:00.001+08:00

We finally finished the Literature assignment. Jessica, unfortunately left halfway and Yu Xian came late. We had such a fun time stuffing all the unwanted paper in Yu Xian's bag.
Needless to say, Tiffany and Chen Xin never came.

Did I mentioned, we bought a bird, a softbill, however you spell it. I decided to name it Romania, but Kim insists (still insisting) that it should be called Birdie, since it is a bird, but Birdie is so funny. Romania sounds more appropriate. Gino, Paris and Romania! Nice? I want to buy a parrot, but daddy says it is very dirty. Mummy also said that Sally has a parrot too, which can say, "Hello"!

How cute.